Lily Allen

It all began on a terrible terrible day sometime in 2006. I came across a photograph of Lily Allen (you know, this one) and I thought 'Wow, cool, I like her dress' so I went on her music myspace, and this is when my life fell into a black hole and I discovered the real reason why baby Jesus cries.

Have you heard the song 'Smile' before? I'm sure you have, it was fucking everywhere. Less than a month after I first heard it (which was just after it was released) she was EVERYWHERE. It spread faster than AIDS. Anywhere you look on the internet, someone's listening to Lily Allen, got a Lily Allen icon, claimed Lily Allen to be their hero, etc etc. Her popularity amongst the ladiez~ rose faster than Russia's economy under Stalin.

What pissed me off the most about this was that there was nothing special about her, was it because she was like everyone else that they liked her? She's like another random bitch on Myspace, dresses like everyone else, acts like everyone else, and that's what people like about her? Because she is supposedly 'Down-to-Earth' despite being born into a ~famous~ family? I don't know about you, but if I was Lily Allen, born into a privileged family (her dad's a ~famous~ comedian or something, but I've never heard of him before) I would try a little harder to look less like a fucking chav and hire someone else to sing my vocals, like Paris Hilton did. Oh, and while I'm at it I'd get someone else to write my lyrics, like Charlotte Gainsbourg did. O w8 Lily Allen follows no-one's rules but her own.

"At first when I see you cry-y-y-y, yeah it makes me smi-i-i-i-le" More like “At first when I hear you si-i-i-i-ng I want to sacrifice a thousand babies to sata-a-a-a-n just so you can stop”. She has a cockney-accented singing voice. She sounds like a whiny ten-year-old, or a child dizzy on lemonade (c Simon Amstell). Believe it or not guyz, this song made it to #1. When they asked her how she'd celebrate, she says "Gak (cocaine)....LOLZ JK" which was a lame attempt to cover something so blatantly obvious anyway.

But aside from her terrible accent and singing style, Lily Allen's one of those who tries so desperately hard to be liked that she pretends she doesn't care what everyone thinks about her. She's bitched about everyone from Kylie Minogue and Paris Hilton to Bob Geldof in a pathetic attempt to seem tough and as though the opinions of successful celebrities doesn't matter to her, because celebrities are rubbish anyway, right?

Oh, and has anyone seen this hoe without make-up, she looks like an exact replica of those trolls with the hair that sticks straight up like a cat's tail. I won't blind you with photographs, but you can only imagine.